Show and Tell

Did you think that I came up with this slogan while sitting in some sort of an Ivory Tower looking down at YOUR flaws without acknowledging the laundry list of my own?  Oh heck no….the only way I could come to terms with all these flaws and idiosyncrasies of mine was to write a book about them because there are that many and it gets a little lonely when you start to think that you’re the only crazy one in the room! 

So, just in case you were doubting the fact that I have faced and am working constantly on issues of my own, in case you were thinking that I am pointing a poorly manicured finger at you without taking a good long look in the mirror, well lovely girl, I hope you’ve got some time and a whole lot of patience because here come my truths…. 

 I am proud to claim the following little hiccups in my behavior as my own…the good, the bad, the ugly…..and this is just the tip of the iceberg!!  Suffice it to say, I am intentionally a work in progress and if the day should come when I have finally mastered all the junk that makes me who I am you can bet that the book will have a sequel, but until then…..pull up a couch because I’m just getting warmed up!

Ladies, I proudly introduce you to just a tiny sampling of my oh-so-cherished flaws!

After I’ve been to any sort of social gathering where there are lots of people I require almost an entire day of solitude in order to decompress and go back to my happy quiet place.

Whenever there is a family gathering when I know my mom and my mother-n-law are going to be in the same room for an extended period of time I start having tiny little meltdowns for several days beforehand worrying about how my mom is going to go out of her way to be rude to everybody.  I also get mad well in advance because I know that my mother-n-law is going to put her fingers into every item I have cooked, baked or prepared BEFORE she washes her hands.

Whenever I go to an art festival or see another artist’s work I start to think that I don’t have any talent and should have just gone to law school.

Sometimes when my husband is talking to me I can’t hear anything he is saying because the voices in my head are louder than he is.

Sometimes when I am in a room full of women and everybody is talking as loud as they possibly can I want to blow a whistle and tell them all to just be quiet and listen to each other.

Whenever  I clean my desk off and put everything in its place I wind up feeling sad and bored.  It’s more fun to be surrounded by all the things that make me happy.

I am very lazy about making the bed unless I know someone else is going to see it.   All the pretty bedding in the world doesn’t make up for the fact that in a matter of hours I will be tossing everything aside and messing it all up again, so I opt for saving myself a few steps.

I like to wait until most of my nailpolish is chipped off and then go see my mom.  It’s one of her biggest pet peeves and brings me a little joy when I see her sneak a peek at my weathered nails and silently give me that “mom” look without ever having to say a thing.  Happiness is in the little things.

I work really hard to be irreverent, curious,  brave, taller, and happy

I am an introvert who wears a bright and shiny extroverts costume

I am constantly and forever seduced by macaroni and cheese.  I really am.  I think it evokes in me a time in my life before everything got crazy.  My family would have dinner together and everything seemed so “normal.”  Maybe this is why when I am most stressed out or craving comfort, I immediately head for the mac and cheese….it makes me wildly happy.

Most of the time while my dad was alive I used to subconsciously sabotage my own success so that I wouldn’t be make my dad feel bad….  Parents are supposed to want us to succeed, and my parents were no different, but for some inexplicable reason I got it into my head that if my dad ever saw me as truly successful he would feel hurt or as though he had somehow failed. 

Remember when you were little and it was such fun to gather up sheets and blankets to build a fort?  I think grown-ups should be allowed to do that when things get rough.  We need a place to hide out for a few minutes and pull it back together…. Then when we’re ready and breathing at a normal pace again we can pop right out and get on with our lives.

I always leave forget to pour out any remaining beverage that might be in my glass or mug before I put it in the sink….I think I subconsciously do this because I am always working very hard to be a “glass half full” sort of girl and I tend to do better with visual aids.

A long time ago before I was married and living on my own, I l decided it would be fun to host my very first Thanksgiving dinner.  The food was a big hit but when everybody left and I had time to look at all the dishes, pots, pans and other odds and ends that I would be forced to wash without the luxury of a dishwasher, I decided it would be more fun to just throw it all in the trash.  I gathered up every single item that I had either served the food on, or cooked the food in, put it in big garbage bags and threw it all away.  Then I went out to the Black Friday sales and bought myself all new kitchen items the very next day.  If  I wasn't married and trying endlessly to be a grown-up, I would still do this after every meal because it felt really GOOD!

Whenever my husband gets in the shower he has a need to organize all the products into straight little lines divided up by whether he or myself uses them.  I intentionally get in after him just so I can tip things over, leave caps off bottles and mess things up all over again.  I wonder sometimes if he just thinks I have some sort of bathroom organizational issues because he’s never said a word about it, he just straightens everything up again.  Bad Heather.

Sometimes I let my gas tank run down to the very tip of empty just to see if the computer in my car that tells me how much gas I have is really paying attention.

Unless it’s pizza, chocolate cake, holiday leftovers or Chinese food I have an absolutely phobia of reheating food from a previous meal.

I like to start loads and loads of projects and not finish any of them just so I always have something to do.

I secretly fantasize about initiating conversations about controversial topics just so I can stir up the pot a little when there is a large social gathering and there is a lull in the conversation. 

Sometimes I intentionally wear jeans that I know are far too big on me just so I can feel like I lost weight.

If  I was forced between buying magazines and art supplies, or paying the bills, I would always opt for art supplies, that way I could at least draw myself a house and use the magazine pages as wall paper  if things ever got really bad.

I have a really hard time eating cereal that reminds me of my childhood because my mom used to always apply her perfume right before she took out our cereal bowls and it made everything taste like perfume.

Every time I pass a zoo I want to pull off to the side of the road dress myself in camouflage and set all the animals free.

Sometimes I stare at the cellulite on the back of my legs for far too long because I am convinced that if I visualize smooth skin enough I can surely will it to happen….so far it hasn’t worked.

I never like to read my old journals because they remind me that I have been making the same plans for years and so far I have been too afraid to REALLY make them happen.

When I hold the door for somebody or extend a kind gesture and they don’t say “thank you,” I make sure they can hear ME say “you’re welcome,” and then I smile at them just so they know I really said it.

When people are mean to their children in public places I stare at them until I know they see me looking at them for the jerks that they are.

If somebody on the road  gets too close to our car when my husband is driving, I take off my seat belt, kneel in my seat looking backwards and stare at them until they back off.  It doesn’t always work, but it does make my husband crazy.

I’m really good at telling other people how to fix their lives but not so great when it comes to fixing my own.

I believe that just about everything tastes better when you cover it with chocolate or Ranch dressing.

I’m scared to death that even as you read this you are judging me and might never come back but I’m putting it out there anyway because if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that keeping things in the dark only makes them feel scarier….

And there you have it.....so, I've shown you a few of mine, and now maybe you'll share a few of yours!  If not, well, at least you can go on with your day and realize that no, you are not in fact the only crazy one in the room because I got here first!

Wishing you a day filled with all sorts of candy-coated fabulous!

Heather